First Ballet Performance on Stage in 25 years!

Yes, that's correct. I performed on stage last Friday at a large theater that seats over 2000 as part of the School of the Minnesota Ballet's annual student performance. I performed with the adult division. It was quite an experience! We danced to the ballet Paquita. It was only a four minute piece and I had a few duets, but it was still huge for me! I really love performing, despite being so shy and quiet verbally and in my interactions with others. When I dance I am louder and more confident. I feel beautiful and special. I have so much more to say than what words can express. It was so much fun performing, but nerve wracking too leading up to it. I managed to strain a rib area on my right side and wrapping around to the back just one month prior to the performance, and was only able to walk through many of the rehearsals. I had to skip some classes and really buckle down and not do any weight lifting or other physical activity until I could heal enough to move more freely and without pain. I was so determined to perform that I would do anything to get better, so yes I sacrified weeks of exercise lol. And I got better, ate very well and recovered enough to perform. I was so scared of injuring myself further, but everything worked out. The only compromise I made with this performance was not dancing it on pointe. I had that option/choice and I had to turn down doing it on pointe because I am just not confident enough in my pointe shoes yet, and because I have suffered several injuries including foot problems the past few months. I'm glad I decided not to do pointe. Next year it will be a goal to dance on pointe for performance though. For now it feels like a huge accomplishment to be able to perform. I think I did well, and was confident enough to go full out and give it all I had. Some of my turns were slightly awkward due to the sticky stage flooring, but otherwise it was clean and decent. I loved the costumes, simple and elegant, and the music from Paquita, so light and airy and cheerful. Really a great experience! I don't have footage or photos of the actual performance yet, but I have pics of trying on my dress/makeup the week before. It was the first time wearing actual makeup since my sisters wedding in 1995 lol, so 23 years.

I'd write more but I am exhausted. Been working overtime at work again. Dealing with family stuff, the usual. Camping trips coming up. Never time to write anymore. I am dancing more often than home writing lol. One of these days.

Passed the CPC exam

I would just like to share that I passed the CPC exam (Certified Professional Coder). It was a 5 hour and 40 minute grueling coding exam that I studied and prepared for for months, and apparently it paid off as I earned a score of 88%! Didn't quite beat my score of 93% on the RHIT exam two years ago, but whatever right? I now have both the RHIT and CPC credentials, a goal I have had for several years. It always feels good to accomplish a goal. I feel like I have come a long ways with learning coding from the early days of school, but it is a vast area and there is always going to be learning and challenges.

Now that it's over, I would like to get back to journaling more since I have a little bit of free time. I miss journaling. It's been months.

(no subject)


Even the Roman Army
Couldn’t save my crumbling temple
Or defeat my own history.

I remember this as I walk among her ruins.

And while a chorus of hope
rises up from her ancient pottery
Even that cannot overcome the burden inflicted upon me.

Then a single sparrow
sings softly in the tepid city
And I follow his melody to the potter’s wheel.

And I forget.

The Rest of My Dance Videos

Here is the rest of my dance video from the same night as the last one. I actually put four or five videos together into one and added music to it. It is long, almost 13 minutes, condensed down from 38. If you don't want to watch the whole thing I understand, but I would recommend watching the last two minutes. I think the music there really fits and I like my dancing best there. Enjoy!

Sharing a Dance Improvisation Video of Myself

I hope you like it! I went to the fitness center at 3:30am to get a room to myself to record this. I danced for over an hour straight shooting videos of myself doing improvisational dance. No choreography or plans. I am working on editing and putting the rest of it together to show people later. I did some dancing with ballet shoes on and some barefoot. It is very rough, raw, awkward, but I had a lot of fun doing it. I have been practicing at improvisational dance here and there. I hope to someday start choreographing works with the experiences I have doing this. I am going to start focusing on themes such as playfullness/flirting, or birds or something. I love this way of exercising and expressing myself!

I have not been here in a long time. Life has been incredibly busy and so much has happened in the last few months. I have to go to bed, no time to really write but one of these days I will update and hopefully share the rest of my dance videos. It is all good stuff, well mostly, as far as updates. I'm going out of town on vacation (snowshoeing up north) Thursday to Saturday. Mid winter break from work.

I hope you like the dance video! I'm going to save critiquing my body here. :)

Random Poem I Wrote

Warrior Woman

Not brute Strength
Nor mastery of sword

No thirst for blood
Nor power to reign

No battle scars
Worthy to boast

No deed executed
To lift thine name

A Warrior woman
Gets up again

Embraces her will
Endures unending pain

A warrior woman
Loves even her enemies

Feels her pain
And loves anyway


This is just a little gift to everyone on LJ.  Despite the suffering on this Earth, sometimes it's the still fleeting moments like these that make it all worthwhile.


Loss is a strange phenomenon.  It grows on me and envelopes me in numbness, so that I can carry on to survive.  And only in moments of quiet stillness does it really make itself known.  Then the tears come, relentless and terrible pain.  And knowing.  Knowing I will never read your words again, or feel your comfort or hear your encouragement.  Or I will never hear your chirps and feel your beautiful eyes watching me in curiosity.  I will not be embraced by your wide open arms, and fed from your wonderful bounty.  I won’t be able to come to you and share the little joys and frustrations and listen to you laugh and feel at home.  You will not be there with me, like a brick, always to lean on.  I fall and fall and fall and grab for nothingness.

I am cloaked in darkness and cold.  I face a strange and cold and demanding world, and battle the demons within me that never cease to make my worthlessness known.  I am lost, so so lost and unsure and my hunger is gone.  I am a stranger among strangers, invisible glass, slippery dreams phantom shades of memory floating through fog as dense as my sorrow.  Dull sickening innards pounding head moaning guttural sounds deep deep inside trapped in long twisted tunnels of despair.  And strokes of vivid ideas only begin to take shape amid the blame I carry on my sore shoulders, promising a way out of despair among the starving perfection and shedding of all I have ever known, ever slowly and seemingly mercifully, yet these same strings tore my soul from the very reality I yearn to have back.  So many wasted years and so much I took for granted.  This is the price of loving….

It is Done...

Goal # 1: complete school and earn a college degree

After 23 years of going to school, dropping, out, trying countless times again while battling mental illness, alcohol issues, and an eating disorder, I can finally say I have earned a college degree.

I still have a long road ahead with recovery, certification exams, job hunting, and continuing to rebuild my life, but damn it tonight I am just going to sit back, smile, and revel in it!

ps. Let's hope it doesn't take another 23 years to find a job in my field lol.